Saturday, October 28, 2000

C. has been coming home from school every night the past couple of weeks singing "Who let the dogs out.." over and over. I thought it was something he'd made up.. until now. I just heard it on TV. It really is a song. I didn't know that. I am getting old. : (

posted by Lisa 10/28/2000 09:22:00 PM | link it |

Friday, October 27, 2000

At 3:30 this afternoon I was "officially restored to my status as a single person". I was ready to burst out bawling beforehand but it was relatively painless. I was afraid I might turn into a weeping puddle of goo during the proceedings but I didn't. When on the stand I had to say that yes, the bonds of matrimony had broken down until no legitimate objects of marriage remained - that stung a little. Of course my mind is always going a gazillion different directions at once so in that split second, I ran through all of the details of exactly what happened to cause the break down of the legitimate objects of matrimony. I will probably continue to analyze that for the rest of my life. As I've said here before, I do not like failure and this was a big one. Scott and I didn't get married out of an undying love for one another. We got married thinking we could provide a stable life and solid family for our son. In ten minutes today, our stable life and solid family idea were declared "dissolved". It is my belief that we will parent better apart but it still hurts to watch as your family is pronounced dead. Yes, we will always be a family in the non-legal, child-rearing sense but you see, I'm just a "girl". As a girl, I am exercising my right to get a little emotional about it. So there!

posted by Lisa 10/27/2000 08:54:00 PM | link it |

Thursday, October 26, 2000

6pm and it's already getting dark. One of the downfalls of winter coming I guess. This time next week it'll be 5pm and almost dark. Now where's the snow??

posted by Lisa 10/26/2000 06:06:00 PM | link it |

Yeah!! Kaycee got the book I sent her. I have read the book at least a hundred times. A coworker bought me the poster years ago and it hangs on my office wall now. It says:

All I Really Needed To Know I Learned In Kindergarten
By Robert Fulghum

Most of what I really need to know about how to live, what to do, and how to be, I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sandbox at nursery school.

These are things I learned:
Share everything.
Play fair.
Don't hit people.
Put things back where you found them.
Clean up your own mess.
Don't take things that aren't yours.
Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody.
Wash your hands before you eat.
Flush.
Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
Live a balanced life.
Learn some and draw and paint and sing and play and work every day some.
Take a nap every afternoon.
When you go out into the world, watch for traffic, hold hands, and stick together.
Be aware of wonder.
Remember the little seed in the plastic cup. The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody knows how or why, but we are like that.
Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the plastic cup-they all die. So do we.
And then remember the book about Dick and Jane and the first word you learned, the biggest word of all: LOOK.
Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation.
Ecology and politics and sane living. Think of what a better world it would be if we all-the whole world-had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and lay down with our blankets for a nap. Or if we had a basic policy in our nation and other nations always to put things back where we found them and cleaned up our own messes.
And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.

I've always tried to live my life that way but sometimes fail miserably. That's why I feel such a bond with Kaycee for I truly believe she does live her life this way and fails never. She is a lot younger than I am yet so much wiser. I just hope she shows the book to the famous social worker. He could learn a great deal just from that first chapter.

posted by Lisa 10/26/2000 04:51:00 PM | link it |

A QUICK REBUTTAL

In response to the milk story... please know that I do not normally laugh at cursing children. This was particularly funny because we have heard what could've been "damn" come from the mouth of Benjamin for awhile now. Last nights uttering was crystal clear - and used in perfect context I might add. The part that sent me running from the room in a fit of laughter was the look on Todd's face when the realization hit him. Indeed his sweet little boy had been using that word for quite some time : )

posted by Lisa 10/26/2000 09:28:00 AM | link it |

I may bitch a lot but in reality, I'm a very lucky girl. I have a great job, lots of good friends and a close family. I've been thinking about my family a lot lately. No matter what I do, they hang right in there with me. I have wonderful aunts and uncles and share a close relationship with all of my cousins. I have step brothers and sisters but I've never thought of them in that way. They are my brothers and sisters. My step siblings' extended family have always been my family too. Aunt Nadine and Uncle Artie are not really my aunt and uncle. They are my siblings' aunt and uncle yet when I see them Aunt Nadine will say "Well here comes our little girl!" Their Grandpa Ralph was my Grandpa Ralph and vice versa. Thinking back now, I wonder if my mom had to swallow her own feelings to let all of this happen. I don't imagine it was easy to watch me go to my dad's ex-wife's relatives and call them family too. I would do the same for Christopher. The more unconditional love a child receives, the better off they are and no one gives unconditional love like family.

posted by Lisa 10/26/2000 09:17:00 AM | link it |

Tuesday, October 24, 2000

Ya know, most of the time I don't want to live here. This is why. Our state lawmakers have a problem with lowering the blood alcohol level??? Jesus! If it saves one more person each year then it's worth it. That one person will be someone's parent, child, sibling, spouse.... Iowa just doesn't get it. I almost lost my friend Gina to a drunk driver who plowed on through an intersection. My mother was in a horrific crash when a drunk hit an ambulance in front of her on the highway. I could fill this page and then some with stories of drunk drivers. Social drinking/chronic drinking.... it makes NO difference if you are behind the wheel of the car that kills someone.

posted by Lisa 10/24/2000 09:16:00 AM | link it |

Monday, October 23, 2000

I worked through lunch today which does horrible things to my blood sugar and makes me more emotional than normal. I've already been on emotional overload this week. It seems as if my eight year marriage will officially end this Friday. As it nears, I find myself experiencing a lot of turmoil that I hadn't expected when the ball first started rolling this way. I know it is the best thing for everyone but it feels like failure. Failure and I do not mix. Matter of fact, I can think of nothing I've ever failed at other than the marriage thing. I've pretty much always succeeded at everything I've put my mind to which makes me wonder.. did I just not try hard enough? That's a painful question to ask yourself. It's even more painful to ask when I stand on the threshhold of a promising new life. A life that I have always dreamed of. A partner who accepts me for what I am and doesn't dimiss my dreams and ideals. It feels like I am doing an injustice to him to even doubt the decisions I've made thusfar. Yet I still wonder... did I do the right thing? Could I have tried harder and made it better? Will my son somehow suffer for decisions I made? I can just hear my friends screaming as they read this. Everyone who knows the situation is of the opinion that I should've done all of this long ago. My best friend has proclaimed that she will travel the 1300 miles back home to slap the sh*t out of me if I don't follow through with it. Don't worry Crystal. I am not changing my mind. I am just wondering if there is something fundamentally wrong with me on the relationship front. I have to analyze this from every angle so that I can learn from it and not make the same mistakes again.

I know that I need to give more and take less. Sometimes I need to shut up and listen for a change. I need to admit when I am wrong and not waste time trying to twist things around until I become right. I need to work less and spend more time on the truly important things like love and friendships. More importantly, I need to not use work to hide from love and friendships when things look bleak.

Looking back I can think of nothing I could've done differently. I knew it was over two years ago yet I hung in there and tried to force things to change. I read a book, I talked to a counselor, I talked to friends, I begged my ex to please try harder with me. I cried on the shoulder of the man who had been my friend and confidant for years. We tried to help each other find the strength to keep trying then helped each other pick up the pieces after it all came crashing down. After the dust settled, we found we had more with each other than we had ever known. Several friends pointed it out to us along the way and neither of us wanted to hear it. Funny how things work out sometimes.

posted by Lisa 10/23/2000 06:14:00 PM | link it |