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The difficulties

I wander into this space of mine to trumpet the wondrous joys of being where I am but I don't discuss the difficulties. There are many of those and some days it's so annoying I want to scream. Like this evening... I just want to talk to my kid. Not having instant access to him is the hardest thing ever. I can't just wander into his room and talk to him. I'm at the mercy of everyone's schedule in Iowa and can do nothing but sit and wait for someone to get my freakin text messages and have him call me. It makes me sad and it makes me cry and it PISSES ME OFF!!! It makes me want to get into my car, drive the 620 miles and grab ahold of him and never let go.

I had a similar discussion with his dad not long ago. He told me that it was like that for him when C. lived with me and he saw him on weekends. Sure, if you subtract 600 miles from the distance and top it off with the fact that he got a weekly phone call and someone got back to him within minutes, not hours. Just sitting here not knowing if my baby is okay is torture. I will never be convinced that the paternal connection to a child is as strong as the maternal. No way.

Anyway, Ben and Em are the other difficult part of this equation. I wasn't home for Em's 14th birthday. First birthday I've missed since her 6th I believe. I did make sure she scored a purple ipod nano with a birthday inscription but still... I wish I'd have been there. Ben is reading a whole lot better this year and I wish I could do the weekly reading night at our house with him.

Yes, I miss the rest of the family and those stupid dogs but I miss the kids the most. We did so much together and they filled up every second of my time away from work. Now weekends pretty much suck. I just want to hug them all and get loud and crazy like we used to.

I still love the job and the people here though. I would step outside to the flight line and look at my jets and take a deep breath and remember why I'm here but just as soon as I did that, I'd miss the kids phone call I bet. GRRR!

Comments (2)

oh, sweetie! Hugs!

Aunt Rose:

Dearest Lisa,
Just want you to know that the feeling never goes away for me and my children. No matter how old they get I still want to reach out and hold them close and keep them safe.
I've come to believe that worry is a form of silent prayer.
Love you and want to keep you safe from any pain but some things can't be as we want.
I'm sure "C" is very proud of his mother for the strong woman she is and misses you very much.

Love and prayers to you as always, Aunt Rose