Twenty years ago yesterday I married for the first time. I was only 19 years old and thought I knew what I was doing. I was going to be the best stepmother ever to two wonderful little girls and, with my grandmother-in-laws help, I was going to be the best little housewife I could possibly be. She did teach me so many valuable lessons such as how to make the perfect pie crust, the many uses for baking soda, and how to overlook a whooooole lot of problems for the sake of everlasting love. There were obviously some things I just couldn't overlook.
I saw the ex twice yesterday which was quite odd considering we rarely cross paths. When I do see him, I generally refer to him as "the man who taught me how to get divorced". I have to make a joke of it you see or else I'll waste time beating myself up for how big I can fail at things.
So yesterday I felt old as my mind kept reflecting over the past twenty years of my adult life and the choices I've made. Most of them have been good I think. Not many regrets but I think I'm not cutting nearly as wide of a swath through life as I could. I walked through the living room yesterday with a load of folded clothes in my arms and had an epiphany. Todd was watching NASCAR and there was a promo on that showed drivers in victory lane and the music and the celebration. It got me thinking about the music in my life. Have I ever had a rock and roll moment where my happiness and success could be set to some awesome song and replayed years later to recapture some of the glory? No. Not even if I swept up all my past happiness and tossed in the air at once. There's not enough to justify confetti and fireworks and music.
I think in the second half of my life, I should widen the net and look for opportunities to shine big. Not right now though. I have a kitchen to clean and a living room to vacuum before work. Hold the champagne and the fireworks until we see if I can do it without waking up the teenager.